Thinking

Today I had to go to the hospital for a two hour glucose test. Because I had gestational diabetes they are now testing me to make sure that I no longer have diabetes. So I had a few hours away from Paul and Kaitlyn this morning which gave me some time to ponder my new life as a Mommy.

It's still quite strange for me to go out by myself. Sometimes I just stop and think, "Is this for real? Do I really have a husband and daughter at home waiting for me?" It's still hard to believe. And then I think about how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family.

It's also amazing how my feelings can change so quickly. Just last night I was fed up with Kaitlyn crying and eating and making messes and I needed a break, and then this morning after a short time away from her I missed being with her.

I've also noticed that it just feels strange to go somewhere without her. Like I'm missing a part of myself. I carried her with me for so long when I was pregnant, and now I have her with me most of the time. So when she is not with me, it's almost like I don't know who I am.

I've heard that babies have to learn that their Mommy is a seperate person than they are, just like they have to learn that their hand is a part of themself that is always there. I feel kinda like a baby in this respect, that I still need to learn that I am a seperate person from Kaitlyn.

After pondering these things during my two hours at the hospital, I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio on my way home, which of course made me cry. Here are some of the words:

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be Your name

God gives me so many blessings, and I need to remember to keep thanking Him for them. And even if a few things are taken away right now, like my sleep and time for myself, my heart will choose to say, "Lord blessed be Your name!"