Monday, August 30, 2010

Reflecting on One Month

As of yesterday, Kaitlyn is one month old. While feeding her early this morning I just stared at her and couldn't believe how beautiful and precious she is, and how much I care about her.

It's hard to believe that a month has gone by already. I'm not sure how to describe this last month, as it has been so full of both difficult and painful things, and wonderful and amazing things.

Where can I start? The first two weeks my body hurt so much that it was difficult to move very much. And then all of the sudden when we hit two weeks I felt so much better. After a long hard pregnancy and a few weeks of recovery, my body is now starting to feel more like my own. Sometimes it's hard to remember that now I can do things like take the garbage out and clean the bathroom, as I'm not an invalid anymore.

My emotions have run wild this last month. I have cried often, felt overwhelmed here and there, and felt like a failure at times. And at other times I have been overwhelmed with joy as I watch my husband play with Kaitlyn, or as she falls asleep in my arms. I have been amazed at how quickly my emotions can go up and down.

Sleep is another challenge, of course. Just a few hours here and there is tough. But it is getting better. Kaitlyn now has a record of sleeping 7 hours straight, but about 5-6 is "normal" right now.

The most difficult part has been everything related to feeding little Kaitlyn. I have been working so hard to be successful with breastfeeding and we have met a lot of obstacles. After three trips to the hospital to meet with a lactation consultant, they cannot figure out what our problem is. I have the milk and she has a great latch, but she is not able to get my milk out. I have talked with several people who are all at a loss as to what the problem is.

So for the last month I have been pumping my milk and then feeding it to Kaitlyn in a bottle, which is a time consuming and emotional process. I try to focus on the fact that she IS getting my milk, the best thing for her. And I try not to focus on how much work it is, or on how long I can keep this up.

To add to our feeding problems, Kaitlyn and I have developed thrush. We took her to her doctor today to get a perscription for it, and I got two perscriptions for me from my doctor yesterday. Hopefully all these pills and ointments will heal us quickly.

The good news though all of our feeding issues, is that Kaitlyn IS eating and gaining weight. Today she weighed in at 10 pounds and 8 ounces!

I am beginning to feel more comfortable taking Kaitlyn places. I know that while staying at home is a lot easier, that I really need to get out of the house and see other people as much as I can. Fortunately there are several mom and baby play groups that Kaitlyn and I can go to. And Paul likes to take us places too, like the park or Walmart.

In spite of all these problems that I can list, I am happy. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband and such a sweet daughter. She makes such cute faces and noises. Seeing her grow and learn new things is fun. She is starting to hold her head up more, and now can stare at things for a long time. It's amazing to think about how many more things she has to learn!

Well I finally wrote this post, that I have been putting off for quite awhile. I still don't feel like I have the words to describe this last month, how hard and wonderful it has been. Maybe month 2 will be easier to describe.

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